Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sorry my hands just texted you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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