There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
