FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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