Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
