Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
