o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
