I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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