I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
