He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
