I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
