Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
