they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
