the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my liver is dry heaving
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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