He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
