The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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