Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just found puke in my bra..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
