So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
