What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hippo gnu deer
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
