You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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