Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
