Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no, he came in my armpit
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
