shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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