im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
