This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
