How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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