the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
