I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
