dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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