im six kinds of drunk right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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