i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
