this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
