believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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