I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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