Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
