We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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