I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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