If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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