how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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