we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
