Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
