Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
