they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
