how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I lost the right to judge tonight
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
