I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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