I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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