Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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