No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
