just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
