Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
