After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can you bring me the toilet please
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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